Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
