Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
