Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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