I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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