Apparently you make a good broom.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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