Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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