Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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