All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
