the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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