Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize