i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
