I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize