Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
