its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
