What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
