how can u be prego again
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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