I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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