my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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