So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I supernannyed him into submission
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
