you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
