White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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