Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
