He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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