Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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