Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
