I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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