I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
