I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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