i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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