Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
