I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
