Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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