Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
God, I missed his penis.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
