so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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