She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
