Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
