you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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