filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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