last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
