I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
