he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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