I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I pour the whiskey from now on
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
