i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
