my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
