You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
