saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
