i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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