Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
