Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
