my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
