Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
