Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
