have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
