i was rollin on her like bob the builder
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
