My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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