Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
