I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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