This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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