She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
