She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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