apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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