Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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