So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
