This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Less talking, more tequila
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
